My Cusp Runneth Over

Well… Where do I even begin? I’m currently drafting this at 6am. I’m a chronic insomniac though, so I suppose it’s normal at this point (I’ve started to use Xanax sparingly when I’m SUPER desperate for sleep, but I’ve found I have the most mental clarity at this bewitching hour). The last time I spoke into the void of the internet via long form writing, I was a completely different person than I am right now. I mean, it was 2020! Need I say more? The WORLD was a completely different WORLD than it is right now. It’s so wild to think that was four whole freakin years ago. You never really know what life has in store for you huh?

The past few years have really all seemed like one big blur. I’m sure this is a similar reality for a lot of others as well. It’s kind of hard to remember life back then, but I’ll try to recollect my initial thoughts the best I can. Seems like everything sort of came to a screeching halt (for some people that is). Some of us had to totally restructure the way we lived, the way we interacted with people we saw every day, the way we traveled, the way we worked, literally everything! The time forced a lot of us into deep introspection about practices that were so engrained in our daily routines. We questioned things that we always thought of as “normal”. It tested relationships. It ended lives. Many lives. Things never went back to normal. Funny to look back on how we all thought that it just might.

Coupled with a global shift in the way people lived their lives, a lot of ensuing societal imbalances and underlying toxicity in systems of power became even more apparent, to the ones who opened their eyes to it, and we began to see things clearer than we had before. We had time to challenge authority, fight back against injustices, speak up for what didn’t make sense to our inclusive reality, and so much more. They always say growth is painful, and baby, let me tell you! I sometimes don’t even know how I’ve managed to survive this far. But alas, through some miracle, I have!

To be a bit less vague and grandiose in my recollection of events, I’ll talk about what I’ve been up to! At the beginning of 2020, I could’ve swore I was just starting to get my life on track. I was working across the street from my house making crafty things (my dream really), but also had started to do a lot of out of town trips for work as well. The last one before all hell broke loose, was to Austin, Texas. Getting paid to travel?? What lottery did I win?! Before heading back to NYC, I also went to Arizona for the first time, visited my aunt and cousins, then spent time with my boo down in Bisbee. It was truly awesome seeing new landscapes, escaping the cold, starting the new decade off fresh and… dare I say, happy. Coming back home, I was hit with the harsh reality that Brooklyn, New York, America, the whole dang world, would be shutting down due to a mysterious disease that doctors knew very little about… other than it killed lots people. People were told to then stay away from each other, as anyone anywhere could be contagious through any type of human contact. None of us knew much of anything at first, so I suppose some people were still skeptical and kept on living their lives. Others, like me, were confined to their homes… awaiting any word that we were “safe” again to continue living outside of our containment zones. But word never really came…

In sitting home alone for what felt like an eternity of minimal to zero physical human contact of any kind, and since I was also no longer working in any capacity, I began to dive more deeply into other solitary outlets that interested me. I got suuuuper into astrology and tarot for one. I began learning more and more about planets, houses, moon cycles, and any symbols that I could. Very fascinating stuff! Another outlet being my crochet and knit infatuation. I really became a fiber machine for a while there. My popularity seemed to really skyrocket over night, and I definitely used it to my advantage. People truly appreciated the stuff I was making! It was quite inspiring and refreshing, especially during a time of such great isolation. My other social connections began fading however. I had a falling out with my best friend. My boo was also very cautious of hanging out with me due to living with an immune compromised parent, so I wasn’t seeing much of them either. Any other interaction was merely through social media. Zoom/wine hangouts became the hot new thing to do. They also began constructing a new gentrifier-ass apartment building right outside my bedroom window, which really interrupted my, vaguely existent to begin with, sleep schedule. I ain’t even gonna hold ya, it became very depressing! I tried to go on walks and begin to reconnect with nature in any ways that I could. I tried to also reconnect with MYSELF in any way that I could. All the while, still wondering what would become of the world as I had known it. Here and there, I would find little moments of joy. They were often a nice relief from really sitting in the heaviness and gravity of my new reality. A few opportunities arose here and there, and I slowly began to do gigs ever so often, that slightly got me out of the house a few times a month. The friends who did manage to stick around during this time, I really began to get to know deeper. Even if I had already known them for years! Somehow I also began to meet new people. And anyone new I was meeting, I was definitely a lot more intentional about. Even though I so desperately sought connections of any kind, surface friendships were out of the window. If I didn’t think a person was gonna be there through the thick and thin, I didn’t even wanna take the time at all to subject myself to the pain of losing them.

The world, and me, were both still in quite a haze over the next few months and into 2021. How did I manage bills you might ask? I applied for lots of grants. Any grants I could get a hold of. I won some of them! The biggest being a grant for my back rent (which I wasn’t paying since I didn’t have a steady job anymore). I also got a really big artist grant (which thank goodness, I was under no obligation to produce anything specific). I began to invest in stocks and crypto a bit. I also still kept myself open to any gigs or work that came my way. I wasn’t traveling at all anymore, besides road trips here and there. I didn’t really go out (unless someone else was paying for it). Also, thank goodness I found a way to create passive income from my fiber arts by creating digital downloadable patterns of my designs (such a freakin life saver!). So needless to say from everything else going on, financially, I was doing semi decently. But also, even though I’m not monetarily wealthy by any means, I tried to give back to causes online that I came across whenever I had the chance. Because I know a LOT of people weren’t as fortunate. In continuing my semi working, and semi trying to become social again in any way I could, I was still quite hazy. I often found myself directionless in life, struggling to find any meaning in it. Especially if everything I had ever known could just be ripped away at a moments notice… without any warning. It’s like I was going through the motions of still trying to be a functional human being, but my brain did not fully catch up.

Other intravenous life updates over the next few months, and into the year 2023 include, but aren’t limited to; my grandmother passing away 2 months before her 100th birthday, my apartment having a bed bug problem that scarred me mentally and emotionally, banishing me to sleep on my living room couch for almost a year, one of my closest friends in Brooklyn moving out of the state, me becoming vegan (then de-veganing), my face having the worst acne break out of perhaps my entire adult life, my dad going to the hospital and me making multiple trips to Detroit, my dad eventually passing away, my uncle (my dad’s last living brother) dying after that, my job (that was across the street) moving their location to an hour away from my house, becoming an officiant and officiating 2 weddings, quitting my job, creating a piece for my first runway show as a designer, going to Africa for the very first time (Kenya to be specific), getting another job in nightlife (after being away since 2015), watching the world crumble and authority figures in the country aid in global genocides, going on a few drug and alcohol binges, having multiple depressive episodes and thoughts of maybe just not even being here anymore in general… And then to round out the end of last year, I celebrated my 10 year anniversary with my boo… then shortly after that, broke up with my boo… of 10 years… which has left me, frankly, more hurt, betrayed, and confused than ever (which will definitely need an entire blog post of its own), and have been crying every day since pretty much. So yeap, that about sums it up and brings us to good ole’ 2024!

It’s only been less than 3 weeks into this year so far (which is already moving at QUITE the uncanny pace if you ask me!), but hopefully I’m not on God’s strongest soldiers list and can finally begin to breathe. Only time will tell. I think for now, my strategy is to (firstly, stay in therapy! But mostly…) be hopeful. And connect more with myself in a way that I never have before. And be more vulnerable (with myself, and the rest of the world). And to live fearlessly and truthfully. And to really begin working on sharing all of my many gifts with the world. Most of which I’ve been putting off for far too long. But perhaps I wasn’t ready yet. Still in my chrysalis growing and maturing. Whatever the case may be, I am still here. Anyone reading this right now is. We’ve survived all of out hardest days so far, so we should be at the very least proud of that! I’m not really sure what even inspired me to write this post at this exact moment. Perhaps I just really needed an outlet for my thoughts. Maybe I missed writing. Maybe I miss people. Probably a combination of the three. Maybe this post will reach someone and resonate. Maybe this is the sign you’ve been needing, to know that you aren’t alone in whatever you’re going through. Maybe it’s the sign I’ve needed. As I said earlier in the post, growth is painful. So is change. But it’s necessary to birth butterflies.

P.s. Astrologically speaking (since I’m very into this sorta thing now), Pluto will be exiting the sign of Capricorn and entering the sign of Aquarius later this week. That’s a pretty huge deal! It’s been in the earthy sign of Capricorn for the past 15 years, and we’re finally gonna be getting the fresh and airy innovation of Aquarius. (I know this might sound like mumbo jumbo to a lot of you, and I agree! Sometimes I catch myself reading about planetary events like ‘huhhh??’ But that is also on my list of things to do! Make astrology more accessibly understandable. It’s more than just horoscopes yall. Stay tuned for that!)

P.p.s. The last few years really have been a whirlwind. I had to look through my camera roll to even remember some of the things that happened. I’ve definitely still missed a lot. Perhaps I have disassociated and tuned a lot of them out. (I’m sure of it.)

P.p.p.s. Did anybody reading this have a “good” last couple of years? Even if all of it wasn’t good, what is one thing you learned about yourself? Or humanity? Or the world?

Also sidenote: I know that some of you might notice that my blog archive is missing, and that’s on purpose. I’m working on turning my past blogs in to a physical book! So be on the look out for that as well